In the fourth chapter of Mark Reads Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Harry arrives inside the headquarters for the mysterious group to find that Mrs. Weasley, most of her family, and Hermione are all there already. Realizing everyone's been in on this secret mission to keep him safe, Harry erupts into a fit of ALL CAPS rage. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 4: NUMBER TWELVE, GRIMMAULD PLACE
HARRY POTTER, I'D REALLY APPRECIATE IT IF YOU STOPPED YELLING AT ME.
LOOK, MAN, I GET. I. GET. IT. YOU KIND OF HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE SO UTTERLY FURIOUS THAT YOU'D EMBARK ON A TOTALLY SUPERFLUOUS RANT THAT IS LITERALLY WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS SO THAT YOU COULD COMMUNICATE BOTH THE SINCERITY AND THE URGENCY OF YOUR UTTER MANGER. I TRULY UNDERSTAND THAT, HARRY.
BUT SURELY THERE ARE OTHER THINGS YOU COULD DIRECT YOUR ANGER TOWARDS? LIKE...YOU KNOW...THE MAN WHO ACTUALLY ORCHESTRATED IT SO THAT NO ONE WOULD COMMUNICATE THE SITUATION TO YOU. THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE A PRODUCTIVE USE OF ALL CAPS. I'M JUST SAYING, DUDE.
PLUS...WELL, LET'S GO OVER THIS CHAPTER FOR A MINUTE, BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT HERE THAT REALLY ISN'T DESERVING OF YOUR ANGER. AND NO, HARRY, I WILL NOT STOP YELLING AT YOU. IS IT ANNOYING YET? ARE YOU STILL FULL OF TEEN ANGST? GOOD. IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET MORE ANNOYING FROM HERE.
FIRST OF ALL, TURNS OUT THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX HQ IS LOCATED IN A BUILDING THAT DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST IN THE MUGGLE WORLD, BUT YOU TOTALLY FORGOT THAT THIS IS POSSIBLE. DOESN'T THAT MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT? YOU SHOULD BE MAD AT YOURSELF. BUT NOOOOOOO, I DON'T SEE ANY ALL CAPS USAGE HERE. HUH. FIGURES.
THEN YOU DISCOVER MRS. WEASLEY IS ACTUALLY INSIDE THE HQ AND YOU GET ALL HUFFY AND MAD AT HER WHEN...LOOK, I HAD PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO EVER BE ANNOYED BY MRS. WEASLEY AND I CONSIDER THAT A CARDINAL SIN THAT GETS YOU SENT TO...DO WIZARDS HAVE HELL? HMMM. THIS BOOK DOES NOT SEEM TO ADDRESS RELIGION. IS THIS WHY PEOPLE THOUGHT IT WAS SATANIC? OKAY, THAT'S NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS YOU SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH, HARRY POTTER.
AND THEN SHE LEADS YOU UPSTAIRS TO RON AND HERMIONE AND HERMIONE IS CLEARY ECSTATIC TO SEE YOU AND SEE THAT YOU'RE PERFECTLY FINE AND RON IS PRETTY STOKED YOU'RE THERE AND EVEN HEDWIG IS ACTUALLY NICE AND AFFECTIONATE TO YOU AND YOUR FIRST REACTION IS TO BE A SNOTTY DOUCHENOZZLE. LIKE...DUDE, AT LEAST TAKE A MOMENT TO BE LIKE, "oh hey hermione and ron and hedwig how are you what's going on" BEFORE YOU LAUNCH YOUR HATE MISSILE INTO THE AIR AND DESTROY ALL OF THEIR JOY.
JESUS. AND THEN--THEN!!--THEY ACTUALLY BOTHER TO ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHY. AND OF COURSE YOU IMMEDIATELY THROW IN THEIR FACE THAT YOU SURVIVED A DEMENTOR ATTACK. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, DUDE. HOW MANY WIZARDS BEFORE YOU HAVE DONE JUST THAT? BIG FUCKING DEAL, MAN. WHY DON'T YOU GO CRY TO BARTY CROUCH, JR. ABOUT IT OH WAIT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE DEMENTORS SUCKED THE SOUL OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
AND THEN THE SHOUTING BEGINS. AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD JUST BE ONE PARAGRAPH. I MEAN, THAT'S ALL THAT WAS ON PAGE 65. YOU YELLING ABOUT BEING AT THE DURSLEYS AND THEN SAVING THE SORCERER'S STONE AND GETTING RID OF TOM RIDDLE AND SAVING RON AND HERMIONE FROM THE DEMENTORS yaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn oh sorry i was falling asleep there because I'M COMPLETELY BORED BY YOUR NARCISSISTIC WHINING.
SO I TURNED THE PAGE AND THE ALL CAPS JUST KEEPS ON COMING! NO ONE YELLS THAT MUCH UNLESS THEY'VE BEEN SLAPPED BY A TOTAL STRANGER OR SOMETHING. WE GET IT, HARRY. YOU ARE SUPER ~SPESHUL~ LIKE A ~PERFECT SNOWFLAKE~ AND YOUR LIFE IS SO UNBEARABLY HARD THAT SOMEONE KEEPING A SECRET FROM YOU IS LITERALLY THE WORST THING IN YOUR LIFE.
OH WAIT. NO. LIKE HALF THE SHIT YOU JUST LISTED AS BEING PART OF YOUR BADASS HISTORY IS A BAJILLION TRILLION TIMES WORSE THAN SOMEONE NOT SENDING YOU A LETTER. PLEASE GET YOUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER, DUDE.
Ok. Whew. That was getting tiring. So when Harry finally calms down, he learns that Dumbledore has assembled his old friends, The Order of the Phoenix, who helped battle Lord Voldemort back when he was in power. Among those are the Weasleys, Snape, Mrs. Figg, Hagrid, and a large group of wizards and witches. Fred and George also show up (they Apparate now!!!!!) and reveal they've been using Extendable Ears to listen in on OotP meetings as much as possible. Not to much success, but that's how Hermione and Ron were able to figure out what little they knew.
The strangest development, however, is the rift that developed between Mr. Weasley and his son, Percy.
I suppose it's an expected result of what happened to Barty Crouch and Dumbledore's declaration against the Ministry at the end of Goblet of Fire, but I was still surprised that Percy had insulted his own father and moved to London to take a position being Cornelius Fudge’s assistant.
Which means this rift between the Ministry and Dumbledore is going to get much more complicated and serious than I anticipated.
On top of all this, Harry’s own name has become a running joke in The Daily Prophet, Hermione reveals. Turns out Fudge is making sure he takes the Rita Skeeter route and take as many low blows at Harry to discourage any evidence he provides that Lord Voldemort has returned. (Can I just say that I really love that this is a plotline? LOL POLITICAL DEPTH IS AWESOME.)
But let’s just get to the awesome reveal at the end of the chapter. When they all head downstairs for dinner, a portrait of an old, haggard woman comes to life and she begins to make the most horrifying sound ever, screaming at all the people gathered in the hallway.
- ”Filth! Scum! By-products of dirt and vileness! Half-breeds, mutants, freaks, begone from this place! How dare you befoul the house of my fathers—“
Oh man. Muggle and half-blood haters, unite! Here’s the head of your clan.
- Panting slightly and sweeping his long dark hair out of his eyes, Harry’s godfather, Sirius, turned to face him.
OH SHIT IT’S FUCKING SIRIUS!!!!
- ”Hello, Harry,” he said grimly, “I see you’ve met my mother.”
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SIRIUS BLACK IS PUREBLOOD. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
HARRY, NOW IS YOUR TIME TO ALL CAPS. DO IT. DO IT NOW.